Saying, for example, “well, I think you’re great” when someone shares that they’ve been rejected. We might enter motivational mode and say, “don’t worry, you’ve got this!” Maybe we say, “it wasn’t your fault you did your best”. It can open up a path for spiralling feelings like resentment and frustration. This can cultivate disconnection by keeping them in a particular emotional space. Saying things like, “yeah, I know exactly what you mean that was completely out of order!” We might align with and reinforce the other person’s judgements. They might think they should feel what they are supposed to. This can cultivate disconnection by projecting a judgement onto what they say. We might say, “wow, that’s terrible”, or “wow, that’s amazing”. This can cultivate disconnection by giving us a sense that our experience isn’t as valid (impressive, funny, traumatic, sad etc.) as other people’s. It might be preluded with “I wouldn’t worry, it’s not as bad as the time…” This is not empathic listening. We might respond with what we think is a better or more extreme story. This can cultivate disconnection by making it about the story and not the feelings they have about what happened. We might scour our archive of experiences and find a story that reminds us of what they are saying. This can cultivate disconnection by extinguishing the flame of what is alive in the other person. We might feel uncomfortable and unable to deal with something someone says, so we move the conversation onto something more trivial. This can cultivate disconnection through critical judgement and intellectualism. We look to uncover an explanation, diagnosis, and the “because”, of their feeling. We might look for reasons something happened in a particular way. This can cultivate disconnection by disempowering the other person, leaving them with a story of inadequacy and helplessness. We might take it upon ourselves to sort out what we see as The Problem for them. This can cultivate disconnection by reinforcing feelings such as stress, vulnerability, and weariness. We might find ourselves making suggestions or telling the other person what we would do if we were them. Sometimes we create disconnection when our goal is connection. Most of us talked about how difficult it is not to default to one of these positions when someone is talking. And even with the world’s best intentions, we can create disconnection and resistance when we jump into these habits. The exercise showed us how infuriating it could be when you need empathy but receive something else. It requires us to get out of the way so we might listen to, into, and through the other person. “The capacity to give one’s attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing it is almost a miracle it is a miracle” – Simone Weil Empathic Listening is a Choice – Don’t Just Do Something, Stand ThereĮmpathic listening is not something we naturally do all the time in every situation. There is space for our feelings and needs to exist in the world. But on the flip side, receiving empathy opens up a sense of belonging. This kind of disconnection is what can make you feel lonely around others. The noisy well-meaning thoughts that harvest disconnection from the other person’s simple need to be heard. But it was also interesting to recognise how many things get in the way of empathic listening. ![]() It was fun to be the listener and infuriating to be the talker. One person would share a story in the exercise while the other engaged with intentional non-empathic listening. NVC is based on creating space for honesty and empathy concerning human feelings and needs. ![]() In a recent Nonviolent Communication class, we did an exercise highlighting how quickly we can become disconnected from empathic listening. And the silence can be deafening when it hangs in between the words. ![]() The mind can be a noisy place, full of reactions and distractions. When we communicate with others, there are so many things that can get in the way. Empathic listening nurtures a feeling of belonging.
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